From the point of view of:

(There is a job to do and it is one of my jobs to control vermin and pests for the benefit of the land. This is considered to be controversial and arguments will persist until protagonists are replaced by more protagonists).

SHORT STORIES FROM SQUIDDLY DOT

Granddad. Granddad, wake up, wake up! It’s today, come on!

Wh. What? What? Who’s there?

Granddad, it’s me! Come on, it’s today!

What’s “today”?

Today, It’s today! You’re going to show me how to hunt! Don’t you remember? You said you’d show me how to be like you… You’re going to show me how to do things! All the things you know!

Oh. Yes. Hm, I remember now. Actually, I think I said I’d show you how “I” do things, there will be better ways, you’ll have to discover them for yourself, I’ll just show you the basic ground rules. Give me a few minutes to come round, I was fast asleep, I still feel a bit numb…

Oh, hurry up grands, c’mon, I’m excited! C’mon!

Ooh, okay. Ooh, I’m a bit stiff, my weary old bones aren’t what they used to be; come on then, let’s go outside.

Woohoo! Here we go…

Hold on there youngster!
Stop!
Stop right there!!
What do you think you’re doing? You can’t just run outside like that! Wait for me.

Why granddad, it’s great outside, isn’t it? Come on! Woohoo!

Stop! Wait! Stand still for goodness’ sake! Looks like I’ve got to work on your adventurous spirit…

Oh, okay. Hey, that was a good skid! Did you see that? Awesome!

Now listen to me, this is especially important. Every time you leave anywhere safe you must first taste the air. It’s a very simple technique – you
have to do exactly this: squeeze your eyes together a bit – like a squint, and at the same time lift your nose just a little and sniff the air very gently. Go on, push just your nose outside a little way and see what you can smell.
No, no, no – not like that, you’re not smelling for poo! It’s not a snort, it’s a very delicate operation.
Lift your nose, almost close your eyes and see what you can find in the air with just a gentle nnnh, nnnh.
That’s better, you’ve got it, I think you finally understand. Well done. Well done lad.

Thanks granddad – I do kind of understand, but… why do I have to half close my eyes?

I don’t know, it’s just something we do.

You mean it’s an affectation, granddad?

Huh? I have no idea what an afecteration is, but it doesn’t have anything to do with what I’m talking about.

Oh, okay, never mind… I can find all sorts of smells though, I don’t like them all, but some are rather nice.

Ignore the nice ones lad, just concentrate on the ones you don’t like for now, they may just save your life one day. Now, gently move on outside and keep your eyes peeled.

What am I looking for granddad?

Danger. There’s always danger.
What, what… what are you doing you young fool? Stand still, flippin’ heck almighty! Stop running in circles around me, you’re making me quite dizzy.

Haha! But it’s great to be out in the sun and wind, granddad!

That’s as maybe lad, but safety-first, always!

What is safety, granddad?

It’s what keeps you free from danger and alive, young lad. I’ve seen too many empty spaces where someone was and should still have been; there are plenty of adventurers who went out and never bothered to come home. They followed the scent they needed to I suppose, at least that’s what I hope happened…

That’s very interesting granddad. You’re very clever, are you a wily-old-fox, granddad?

Well, I’m old enough to be your granddad, and if you have to be wily to get to this age- and not many do, then I suppose I could be, it’s not for me to say. Now stop wandering off, keep to the trail for goodness-sake, it goes around the edges of the field for a reason- so that we can easily find a place to hide if there’s danger. Our family have used this trail for centuries, we made it so that we can find food, we shouldn’t have to stray far from it to find some.

But granddad, I want to look up here, I can smell something nice.

Well, if it’s nice- it may be food. Have a quick look but have a sniff first; be careful and come straight back. I can’t get up that bank these days, though – not with my hip…oooh.

Hmm, he’s been gone a while. Still, there you go – you can’t stand in the way of adventuring, it’s in our nature, I suppose. I don’t understand what happens to them all – all those adventurers. There’s a loud bang and they’re gone forever, not even a goodbye!
It’s very strange. Maybe there’s a portal?
I hope he makes it to the wily stage… but, he can survive on lucky and stupid – it’s worked well enough for me…

Look mum, I can fl…

Safety in numbers.
Safety in numbers
Safety in numbers
Safety in numbers
Come on lads, keep up! Safety in numbers
Safety in numbers
Nearly there lads!
Safety in numbers
Safety in numbers
Safety in numbers
Faster, lads – almost there. Safety in numbers!
Safety in numbers
Safety in numbers
Safety in numbers
Faster, lads. Don’t slow down- remember “safety in numbers”!
Safety in numbers
Safety in numbers
We’re here! We made it! Come on insi…wh… where are you all?
Ooh, ooo, they got me.
Lads, you weren’t listening- I t-told you – s- safety in… …numb…

Right, son; it’s time for your first flying lesson.

What, me? No way – I’m not doing that.

Don’t be silly, you’re a pigeon, of course you will – everyone does.

No, they don’t.

I don’t know what you mean?

If “everyone” could fly the sky would be full, everyone would be crashing into each other. There’re lots of creatures down there that don’t fly and there’s hardly anyone in the sky. I watch loads of them moving around quite happily on the ground- it looks a lot safer to me, I’m going to do that.

But you’re a pigeon! All pigeons fly – that’s what I meant by everyone. Mice and hedgehogs don’t and a good thing too! I wouldn’t want to crash into a spiky hedgehog! You haven’t thought this through, have you? What about food? I can’t bring it anymore. And you walking to Bab’s Big Baps is a non-starter. It’s miles. It’s a long way even to
fly but her seeded buns are particularly delicious. And on the way back you can stop in the park. There’s an old woman who brings corn and feeds you from her hand. She even lets you sit on her head, some of the boys think it’s funny to poop on her hat. I don’t do that, she’s very nice but a bit on the ripe side, the last thing she needs is more pungency.

Well, I’m not happy; it looks dangerous.

Really, it isn’t dangerous and it’s very easy. You just need self-confidence, that’s all. Look at Cooper up there – gliding into the wind and soaring up into a stall with his chest puffed out and then diving into a fast swoop … textbook fancy flying. Marvellous. You’ll get on to that soon enough, for now though, I just want you to fly to the next tree, then down to the ground and back here again. It’s all very easy, basic stuff.

So, Cooper couldn’t fly when he was my age?

Of course not, no one can fly unless they leave the nest.

But I’ve seen pigeons suddenly stop flying. They just fold their wings and drop to the ground in a heap. It’s not a good look.

Hmm, well – that’s a whole other problem. I’ll tell you about that once you’ve mastered the basics. What you just saw Cooper do is advanced stuff and very risky, the slower you go the easier the target you are.

Target?

Erm, sorry, shouldn’t have said that. Ignore.

Target?

Okay. When you see pigeons fold and fall… erm… they’ve been…erm… shot.

Shot?

Yes.

Is that loud bang anything to do with being shot?

Y…yes. I’ll admit, it is. Maybe if you could hear the bang first, things might be a bit better, but the bang always seems to come a bit too late to be of any use.

So, you can be shot while you’re flying?

Yes.

And you want me to fly…

Yes – but at least then you have options! You can either fly away or sit in a tree. Now all you can do is just sit in a tree!
Another bit of advanced flying is the jink, an extremely useful manoeuvre, the jink. You can easily avoid being shot if you’re a good jinker.

Sitting in a tree still sounds safer. If jinking is advanced, it must take time to learn. How long do you need to practice to be any good? You could fold in the sky while you’re learning!
Have you studied parenting skills?

Look son, I have to tell you, it’s not safe here either, so many pigeons are shot in the tre…

Dad! Dad! Da…

Hey, look at me! I can fly! Wow, this is fun…

Dangerous. Those peanuts are dangerous, I’m telling you, and it’s always on a Wednesday. They just appear out of nowhere. Then the upright creature comes with a stick that sounds like big Bertha sat on a branch and snapped it, and someone doesn’t get home that day. Dangerous.

How can peanuts just appear out of nowhere? You’re having us on because you want them all for yourself!

No, I’m not, I’m not! And there are so many – I couldn’t possibly eat them all anyway. Also, they are still in the shells so I can’t even carry more than one at a time.

So… you could keep going back until you’ve got them all! I think you’re telling tall tree stories.

All I’m saying is – I’ve seen the box is empty on a Tuesday and full on a Wednesday and too many squirrels go missing on a Wednesday afternoon for it to be a coincidence.

And what do you know – it just happens to be Wednesday today – you’re just trying to keep us away until you’ve collected your stash for the week!

Okay, if it’s all about me, what about this: the food is in a box.

What is a box?

No idea.

What’s your point?

I don’t know what a box is either. They don’t grow in the ground; they aren’t part of a tree so obvs; the upright creature must have put it there.

Surmission. You have no idea.

Uprights don’t look as if they could hang upside down never mind make a box.
Firstly, where would they make it? Then they’ve got to bring it here, how are they going to do that? Then they’ve got to get the peanuts and bring those here, and where do they get them from? I’ve never seen them on any tree I’ve climbed.
Then they have to fill the box with just two feet – they stand on the other two.

Then, after all that they just have to hunt around to find a stick that cracks!? Fanciful tripe; they just aren’t clever enough! You’re up to something and it’s greed. You want them all for yourself. And another thing- why on a Wednesday. Why not every day?
And another thing – why would they do all this for treetops sake! There’s nothing in it for them!

I don’t know. All I know is it’s dangerous.

Well, I’m hungry and I’m going. I need to get there before Big Bertha finds them and before you sneak along…there’ll be nothing left after you two have been…

Suit yourself, you won’t be able to say I didn’t warn you.

Hm, he’s either greedy or a yellow back stripe. Cockypop is what I think. Actually, thinking about it, he’s a bit too thin to be the greedy type…oh well… here we are, I should just be able to see the “box-of-doom” from this next branch. Gently does it. Old yellow stripe does tell a good story but no harm in being careful.
Oh, no! Big Bertha beat me to it. Damn! Hmm, I’m not fighting with her; she’ll have me for afters!

Oh, for goodseeds sake, she’s going like the clappers, she’s going to eat them all! She’s voracious!
I’ll see if I can scare her off, but how without her letting her know I’m here? What did yellow belly say the uprights did? Snap a branch? I’ll give it a go, you never know…

Hmm, not as easy as I thought, branches are hard to snap if you’re not as big as BB and she’s almost emptied the peanut box! I’ll try a twig. This one looks good…

…what was that?!

I didn’t break the twig, but it sounded like I did. Oops, I did now! Aaargh!! This is going to hurt, it’s a long way doooown.

Ooof!

Hmm, seems nothings broken.
Wasn’t too bad really…
…landed on something soft.
Something soft like, oh no…it’s Bertha…

Pffhhh, I’m so tired. I need to slow down a bit.
It’s good to get away for a while. Just for a bit of ‘me’ time. I can’t remember the last time I left them all behind to fend for themselves for an hour or two.
It can’t hurt, can it?
I mean, they’ll cope, won’t they?
No, this is good, this is what I should be doing instead of chasing round sorting squabbles out.
The sun on my back, ambling at my own pace. A brief stop for a nibble – yes, this is the life.
Maybe I should have left leadership to someone else a long time ago…

I know they mean well, but they’re an extraordinarily needy bunch; there’s always someone trying to jump the queue…
Tsk, I blame myself of course, they can’t help it but at my time of life it’s all become a little too, well…silly.
Problem is – I look good for my age if I do say so myself. And I can still hold my own when it comes to seeing the youngsters off. The girls don’t want those Johnny-Come-Lately, Fancy- Dans anyway. One look at my headgear and it’s all over – ha! everyone knows that!

But, they need me, I know that – it’s just the way it is – I’ve protected them and maintained them for a long time now…it’s a hard habit to break.
They may need me, but I feel so responsible and it’s really such a huge responsibility. It’s been weighing heavy for far too long. I’m so tired of being the one in control.

It’s not just the girls, the kids need me too. Or do they? Is this all in my imagination?

I do love the kids when they’re young, though. So tiny and delicate one minute then trying to turn me over the next. Sheesh, who needs that! Ungrateful little sods. He he…

And yes, I love all the girls, though – all of them; they’re just the best.
But it’s all becoming a little tiresome. And there are quite a few girls now, I never thought I’d ever say too many – ha! Word soon gets around though… hey, no smoke without fire! Tsk.

No, I’m not bigging myself up, it’s just the way it is but it’s becoming a bit of a task, you know…Fear of Failure is a big thing when you’re in my position…
So, what do I do… walk away? No, I don’t think so.
Throw a fight? Maybe, not an entirely bad idea, only I would know, and I could give the girls a wink when it’s over.
They’ll be okay with that; they know it’s only a matter of time anyway.

Or do I see it out.
Do I end up in a bloody pile of torn flesh, crown awry, a pitiful sight for my girls to remember?
That doesn’t sound right. I saw my father end that way from the other side of the valley. I could see it was a noble enough fight but It’s not a graceful or dignified finish…
…still, we all go one way or another.
I got the herd back just for him really…
Anyway, snap out of it! today is good! The sun is strong, and the air is clear. No worrying scents, no shortage of buds for browsing – assuming I can still nip them off with the few teeth I’ve hung on to… tsk. Today is indeed good.

So, is solitude the answer?

No, I wouldn’t like that.

I have to seriously think about what I must do…

Hmm, must have nodded off, all that thinking took it out of me – still, I have half a plan.
The herd is doing well, plenty of strong youngsters; a couple of locals that are worthy contenders and that I now believe I don’t want to contend with, ha – yes, I’m not sure I’m that competitive after all…suddenly, the image of my dead father is way too vivid to consider a repeat.
And, yes, just as suddenly, the way forward is now clear to me; I have a complete plan.
I have to admit, I never thought it would come to this. I should check that those berries hadn’t fermented.

So, I’ve probably wandered, I don’t know – maybe five miles from the herd now? That’s far enough to leave them safe.
Whatever happens to me won’t hurt them.
The wind was behind me for a while but it’s the opposite way now I’m on the far side of the hill.
I used to sleep on the top of this hill, it was my favourite place to be, but I struggle to get halfway up now; I could manage it if I really needed to but, well… let’s face it, would anyone really care…I don’t even care myself.

Hmm, just as I thought, on this side of the hill I can smell hunters. I can’t imagine how they cope with their smell- they really stink more than anything has a right to – and I’ve seen many, many dead badgers. They can’t have had a urine bath in their entire lives! Disgusting.
Anyway, they will play right into my antlers, that’s certain enough.
I know they are there, and I know what they want. I’m not going to make it too easy, but they will get their prize.
I leave the hill with honour instead of humiliation.
No one will know how effortless I made it for these stinkers.